Christmas party

I had the best time, I really did.  I am glad I hang out with the bleacher creatures!

"There's nothing wrong with you" sez the therapist, "You're just depressed."

The kids noticed before I did. So did my teachers, so did the school pyschologists.

Quiet, very quiet with fits of rage.

-Third Grade-

I stabbed Florence Sanford with a safety pin, I don’t even know why. I was angry. Kids picked on me at school. I didn’t lash out at them. I lashed out at the one that was nicest to me.

-At Twelve-

I ripped my shirt, my favorite shirt. My sister looked on with puzzled amusement. I was angry. My foster mom drank, she beat me constantly. She was always angry as well.

I still thought nothing was amiss

One day, the kids said, "How come you’re so cool outside of school?" Inside of school, I was cowardly, bashful and shy. Outside of school, I was fucking WILD. I reveled in it.

I stole, broke things, and was always one of the first to sneak on Private property.

And I daydreamed, I lived in my daydreams. Sometimes its hard now to tell what was my dream life and what was reality. I read books on insanity like I never promised you a Rose Garden. I wished that I was truly insane because then I wouldn’t care.

 

-At Fifteen-

I picked up a piece of glass on the way home. I was fucking Vito, my second time ever fucking. It was after school and I way late getting home. I needed an excuse. I know, I’ll say that I got caught in a fight and they tried to slash me. Weird thing is that I started to like the self inflicted slashing that I was giving myself. I wrote my first morbid poem while sitting in the doorway, waiting for my mother to open the door, my arm throbbing in pain.

That afternoon started a long history of self inflicted lacerations on my left arm. Why did I keep doing it? I only know that once the wound opens and the blood flows, I feel peace, a numb piece.

So smart am I but I can’t figure out how to love myself.

-At Sixteen-

DADDY TRIED TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!!!!!

Daddy wasn’t the first man to molest me. It first happened when I was twelve and trying to run away. Daddy wasn’t the last, I was raped by a neighborhood lunatic only scant months after Dad molested me.

 

 

 

I’m evil now or so I say. I run to the streets, sleeping in unlocked cars, in apartment basements, anywhere, I went feral.

I am running, running, running away to nowhere and I don’t know, I just don’t know.

Alcohol, sex, drugs, alcohol, sex, drugs, alcohol, sex, drugs, alcohol, sex, drugs, alcohol, sex, drugs, alcohol.

-At Eighteen-

I was lucky, I was taken in by some really loving people, taken away from that place called hell over on 93 Elizabeth avenue in Hempstead. The weird thing is that once I was living in a place where people were nice to me, I really went crazy.

 

-19 going on twenty-

Guess where I am? My first mental hospital, Yay!!!!!!

I got into a good college but spent my time doing good drugs, not sleeping, not caring and whoops, gosh darn, I tried to commit suicide a few times in the span of a couple of weeks.

So, here I am at Long Island Jewish – Hillside Hospital. Just a reminder people, don’t get hospitalized in a Jewish Hospital during passover. Ohhh, my gosh, the food sucked!

My doctors were none to pleased when they found out that I was bringing pot onto hospital grounds and getting high with my fellow crazies.

Alice was there, paranoid chick. We met months before in Washington Square Park. She was selling Thai sticks there. We did acid that night and she left me with this crazy hillbilly at some apartment by the 59th street bridge in Manhattan.

Anyways, it was weird to see her in the hospital and she blamed me for her being there.

Back to me:

I supposedly have a personality disorder. The Good Dr. Goldstein puts me on mellaril. I stop smoking pot and even alcohol. It doesn’t stop though. A few months later, I’m in the locked unit because I sliced myself again.

My very last doctor at the hospital begs me to stay in therapy but I want to be ‘normal’.

So, its back to normal life. I get a job, I go to college, I cheat on my boyfriend, I do lots of drugs. I slash my arm……back to normal.

 

 

-I’m in my twenties-

Things don’t change except locales. Suddenly I’m 28, homeless, shooting heroin and cocaine. I love heroin. I feel NOTHING. I’m a Cheshire cat smiling knowingly, flicking my tail and purring in my numbness. Even that doesn’t last and I’m in a windowless hell with no escape from my brain. I escape to Bellevue.

In succession, I stop using dope, I stop using cocaine, I stop slashing my arms.

 

-Thirties-

ANGER, DRINKING, ANGER, DRINKING, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!!!

I am out of control but its okay because as long as I do what other people do and its not illegal then why should I change? Getting arrested for assault changes all of that and slapping some girl in a drunken blind rage makes me see differently. So, I start doing the AA thing.

-Forties, at this moment-

I actually stopped drinking for two years but I’m bored, I abuse sex and the computers until I meet another lost soul that I destroy myself with. I start drinking, smoking grass, hating myself. Letting myself be abused, wanting to be abused. It culminates in a mad catastrophe of me punching him, getting him in trouble with Child Welfare because I can’t handle my anger.

My doctor tries to get me hospitalized but to no avail. The psych ward that I went to thinks I’m fine, just stressed out. My psychiatrist, thwarted by the hospital, decides to keep me heavily sedated just enough to function and work.

I cry and want to go back to the madness.

And that is where I am now. Years of therapy, of being literaly used as a guinea pig by my shrink. His philosophy is evidently "Lets try all these drugs on you. Fuck repercussions. It’s all about numbing yourself but doing it legally. Whats that, its not working right? Well then, my dear, try another pill."

I stopped seeing him. I barely go to my therapist any longer. I’ve been going lately. I stopped taking the pills. I’ve been going back and forth with the sobriety thing.

I want to sleep lately but I never have time. I want to kill myself but I’m afraid what would happen to my cats.

I still day dream, I still hate myself and I wonder when I will stop this bullshit.

Barbara R. Lee Thursday, December 09, 2004

Kentucky Fried movie, a true classic

Nobody who didn't experience the seventies will get this movie.  I'm serious. Don't even try it. You had to be there.

Happy Thanksgiving

I  like stuffing, thats the only thing nice I can say about thanksgiving.   The above picture scares me.

the Barbara Lee Report

  It started when the Yankees lost to the Red Sox. Then the shanty bastards won the World Series.   Okay, I decided that hey, Boston was due and hey, I still love the Yankees. HOWEVER!!!!, IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF TO SEE ALL THESE MUTHERFUCKERS GOING AROUND WEARING FUCKING RED SOX CAPS WHEN YOU KNOW THEY WOULDN'T HAVE BEFORE THE RED SUXS WON!!!   That truly pisses me off. I see the jerks and I just stare and resist the urge to yank the hat off and step on it.   Then the election.  I was at my friend's home on the Upper West Side and I watched the returns all night.  I was so depressed. No amount of cute guys, sex and sushi would be able to rouse me from my doldrums. I read my Bleacher Creature board and the right wing wingnuts are having a field day. They still are.....sigh.   I voted for Nader again. What can I do?  he's the man I respect and admire.  Kerry didn't do anything for me except have me see him as the lesser of two evils.   This year though, I made a concerted effort in voting for local politicians and knowing why I'm voting for them. I will continue to do this.  Voting should not be done every four years but every year.   I slacked on being involved with Rev. Bill and the Billionaires for Bush.  I'm still feeling bad about that but I will get involved very soon.    Halloween, I helped do the Haunted House thing at ABC no Rio.  That was funny as hell. I terrified children as the vampire lady.  I heard them crying in the hallways as they tried to flee from me.   My Father died a year ago November 10.  I went out to the cemetary on Sunday and planted daffodils on his grave.  This Sunday, I have to go to church because his church is doing some memorial thing for him. It's tiring and stressful doing family things but I'm learning a lot about myself through looking back in the past via conversation and photos.   The Lovely Victoria taught me how to develop a roll of film on Tuesday.  I was so happy.  I can't wait to start enlarging and making prints.  Vicky is waaaaay cool and I'm glad I finally get a chance to bond with her in a positive way instead of us carping on our mutual problems.   Its a new dawn, yes it is.   I'm going to focus on helping others and helping myself.  I feel good this morning. I just want to say hi to all of you and I hopeI can be there for you all when I'm able to.   If you're able to, Get INVOLVED.   Go to see Rev Billy or go to Billionaires for Bush events.   Go see the Missile Dick Chicks.  Volunteer at the Red Cross.  Help Babysit for people who can't do stuff because they have children.   Love yourself!  Love yourself. Love thy neighbor.  Don't support Starbucks, McDonalds or frigging Barnes and Nobles.   Shit, The Barnes and Noble's thing is going to be hard for me to stop but I'm so pissed off that a lot of small book stores are closing.    Ohhh yeah, don't give in to your cats' whims. They are selfish, demanding little critters.  They are the reason why I  don't date women because most females have the characteristics of felines.   I want to thank you all, you've been a gracious audience as usual.  Send me your love or grievances.   Love, Barbara..............finally out of my post Election depression.     As the doldrums lift and my mind starts to become sane again.  I will send out another letter. Much more concise and venomous.  Praise chocolate in all its many glories!!!!

We are fucked

It pretty much says it all

Slutski

Sigh, still slutting around.  The last one reminds me of Curtis Riche. ick!

I wish I wasn't so depressed all the time. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

Donnie Muniz-Roberts tree planting memorial

I was at La Plaza today to attend the tree planting in memorial for Donnie.  It was good to see people.  I was a bit uptight but thats okay.  Erez went out of his way to talk to me.  That made me feel good.  I'm sure he's still bothered by the the whole McGreal thing.  I can't blame him for that.

I can' believe its been a  year already.   Wow.

Scott Muni died yesterday

Re: Scott Muni Dead Yeah, I wasn't listening to Scotso's Beatles lunch break for a long time but to me, its not just his death but a passing of a great time of Rock Radio.

I'm not sure how many of you were teen agers or young adults in the seventies but man, that was the time of really FM Rock radio. When FM was really freeform and late at night you would be taken to a world of music totally beyond anything you will ever hear again.
WPLJ, WNEW and even WPIX when it was totally punk rock (remember that?, whatever happened to Jane Hamburger).

You just don't understand, now FM is everything it was against. It was the alternative to WNBC. WABC and even WWRL. Back then, people would just play anything they found off the streets or buried in their private collections. College radio tried to be like WNEW or WPLJ.
Who needed to keep putting records on the turntable especially when you were too high to when FM Radio probably were playing shit that you didn't even own anyway.

Yeah, Scott Muni was a dinosaur, that world of rock is now as obscure as a radio station that doesn't have a playlist. Still if not for him and other Jocks back in the sixties and seventies, well, speaking soley for myself, I know this old black chick would still be stuck in top forty hell. They expanded my mind musically and make me the rabid rock and roller that I'll always remain and for that, I'll be forever grateful.

Rest in Peace, Scott Muni, Strawberry fields forever!

Love, Barbara

What I did this weekend

Community event sponsored by
GOWANUS ROOTS


Join us to learn about our work and how you can help ensure that
development decisions are made with local involvement


Saturday, September 18, 2004
1pm to 5pm


At Significant Steps
277 Third Ave, between President and Carroll


Informative presentation by the FROGGS
(friends and residents of the greater gowanus)
at 2:30pm and 4pm

Art on display by local artists
Works inspired by the Gowanus neighborhood and community

Art activities for kids of all ages


Inquiries: 718.596.6622 gowanusroots@hotmail.com   Gowanus, My heart   by Barbara R. Lee  

For years, I have taken solitary walks from Brooklyn heights to my home in Sunset Park.

I take various routes; sometimes I walk along Smith Street or down Union St.  Other times, I go down Third Street to Third Avenue and walk the avenue until I reach my block.

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I’m drawn to the Gowanus area, the factories, the remnants of immigrants that still hold on despite the influx of hipsters, artists and people fleeing Manhattan’s high rents.

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The factories may seem dirty and forbidding but I look at the old windows and the fading advertisements that covers some of the brick building walls and I imagine what it was like to be hard working laborer, making money to feed their families.  The camaraderie of friends as they leave work together to have a beer in a near by saloon before going home.

 

I live by Our Lady of Czestochowa, it’s a parish that is still steeped in Polish tradition.  From my window during Easter week, I see the parade of young Polish children dressed in traditional garb walking to the church with the rest of the parishioners.  I find it heartwarming and amazing to see old world customs still kept very much alive.    The same can be said for the Italians around Carroll Gardens, they still hold on to old traditions, from the Easter egg breads in the bakeries to the Virgin Mary statuettes that adorn many a garden in Carroll Gardens.<o:p></o:p>

I love the fact that despite the constant change around the Gowanus, crime and population, there are people who have endured, stayed and prospered in the Gowanus area.<o:p></o:p>

I know that as long as I can, I will stay, there are too many places I love about the Gowanus.

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My favorite place is the Hamilton Bridge at Sunset. The waning rays of the sun bathe the neighborhood in a soft light.   I lean a little over the bridge to look for schools of the little fish.   Lately, I’m noticing more aquatic life in the murky waters of the Gowanus Canal.  It’s a positive sign that change can be good.

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Boats in the canal that harkens back to the Gowanus shipping industry.  The Italian social clubs that still dot Third Avenue.   The elevated F train that always gives a wonderful panoramic view of the Gowanus and the harbor.

 

Its all there, historical, cultural, natural and I can take it all in as I walk the streets of my very special neighborhood of Brooklyn, Gowanus.

 

 

I also had the most lovely time with John at the Bronx Zoo.  We hung out all day and then we had a great meal at the Seashore Restaurant on City Island.  Yummmmmy!

Sigh, I'm falling for the Emily person. I'm so stupid

I'm assuming that I'm depressed because I have pms. I have the monthly suicidal notions. Feelings of self pity, ugliness, just horrible things. Sigh. I hate being poor

Why do I need cable? Really? I don't watch it.
When I do have no cable, I feel sort of deprived but only because people at my job want me to watch what they're watching on tv. Chances are, with the tv turned back on, I still wouldn't watch cable.
Why do I want a dvd player? I never use the vcr that I own. What is the need for more and more junk??? I have too much stuff as it is. Sigh.................

drunk again

I didn't mean to. I mean all I had was one Cosmopolitan, some beer and a half a bottle of Concha d'Toro Shiraz wine. Ummmm and then there was a few hits of that goddamn killer bud that my host had. Goddamn, that was some lethal shit!
So, I wander the streets of the east village hoping that I get home safely and that I don't run into anybody I knew because I was more wasted than I have been in over twenty years! I still don't know how I made it home. God truly does watch over me because the way I was weaving and wobbling, I should've been road kill on Avenue A last night.

I made it to McDonalds and ate truly foul food from the dollar menu and then I sat on the curb next to a rather romantic couple and watching the skaters in Union Square. I doff off the lid to my soda and puke in the cup. I guess everybody saw it. I didn't care, because puking meant I wouldn't get so stoned and really fucked up because I was ridding my body of the excess damage.
Tonight, I am sober, not even a beer. I ran into a person at synagogue tonight for Selichot services and he's a friend of Bill's. He suggested that I go back to AA. Well, ummm, in other news, despite the hangover, I did all my laundry today and I didn't call the ex boyfriend in a drunken rage.
I would like to think that I am done with drinking but I passed a Mexican restaurant tonight and the Margaritas looked good. I"m going to bed now, Lets hear your drunken stories.

Purrrrrr!!!!!!!!

She sells sanctuary

I'm cooking food, I'm really into it lately.  I'm making the usual baked chicken with corn, garlic, sweet potatoes and onions.

besides the usual thyme, basil and salty stuff, I have added cloves and cinnamon.  I think this will be very interesting.

 

So, ummm, while I'm in denial that I'm not bisexual, I have been cavorting with the most lovely Emily.  I don't know what to tell you.  I insist that I'm not bi but I find myself thinking of her and I like making out with her.  We haven't done the truly oral nasty but lots of touching and kissing.

I don't mind a little girl on girl action when I'm with a guy but to be in a, ummm, lesbian relationship?  What the hell?  I'm thoroughly confused.  Really, I am.

We messed around with that Max character at the Billionaire's Ball but he had, ummmm, nothing to want to play with.  There, I said it nicely.  She didn't say it nicely to him.  I was shocked and impressed with her rudeness but she did say it in a nice condescending way, heh.

Ahhh, the petite sweetie, she's very opinionated and young.  I don't know what the hell I'm doing with her.  I'm too old for all of these shenanigans....sigh.  It's Michael's fault, lol.  its great to blame stuff on him.   I had better be nice though, I know I still love the cad.

my RNC Report

  I'm going to let you know now before you read any further that I do not believe in due process.  I do not believe in good cop/bad cop scenarios.  I do not believe in sacrificing my convictions just because other people are willing to go for the 'lesser of two evils'.  My words are bullshit because my voting will not affect New York.  Its not a swing state.  I would feel more emboldened saying and following through on my convictions if I lived in a state where my vote really would matter.  It doesn't so its all bullshit to me anyway.   Its been an amazing few months of people coming together for the Anti-RNC movement.   For me, it started at the Billionaires for Bush Ball back in May.  So many people doing art, making music, the revelry, the seriousness, the INFORMATION BEING PUT OUT!   Rev. Billy, that man is amazing, every time I see him, he truly stands for the grassroots ideal of people working to help people free themselves.  Free themselves from the tyranny of corporate giants like Starbucks that pay their employees a pittance of a wage and yet won't let them unionize themselves in order to gain fair wages and health insurance.     Click here: Reverend Billy & the Church of Stop Shopping   You have to check out that site and go see them if you can.   Click here: Billionaires For Bush These people have raised a lot of money by throwing the most incredible parties and that really cool fashion show at the NeoConey Island Block party.   The thing is, its hard to be focused on things when people are party hardying.   I had to sit down with myself and remind myself that its not just a party scene.  Its about how I feel about the state of the country and what I can do to change that.  Its not about voting out Bush, its about volunteering for things that will help me develop as a person and at the same time help empower somebody else.   As much as I detest the Garden politics at La Plaza, its important to do that because  everybody deserves greenery.  Let me just say that community gardening is not as lovely and pristine as one would like to think it is and I had to do some growing up in order to work with people that I would ordinarily throw a cow biscuit at.   I'll be doing more things and I know its not going to be as lovely as I would like to imagine but I need to get over fantasy and get down to doing serious work.   I tell people that they need to know more about local politics and yet I don't know anything about what goes on in my neighborhood in Brooklyn.   Then, there's the personal politics of taking care of myself.  Do I go back to being vegan?  Do I finally stop drinking and smoking?  Do I finally decide that my body is a temple and has to be treated as such.  How can I do for others if I can't treat myself right?   I'm not even going to go into the emotional turmoil that still sits in my head and heart every damn minute but Mr. Micheal, if you're reading this, I sure would like to make amends with you and move on.   Bush, Bush,bush bush bushbushbushbush..........ohhhh for crying out loud!!!!   Its a time of change and I feel really good and strong about it.  I will take two steps back and one step forward but hey, there is that forward!!!   I feel the same way about this country.   Ummmm, now let me say just one thing about chaos as opposed to Anarchy.  Anarchy is a wondeful thing but its not chaos.  I love chaos though, I'm not going to deny it.  When those kids set the dragon on fire today, I howled with glee.  However, in back of that, I really felt they ruined a beautiful,  peaceful day for those who don't subscribe to violent acts to make a point.  I felt it was incredibly selfish of them.  I'm glad the march wasn't ruined because of their actions.  Ummm, I still think it was cool how it combusted and the cops were in shock.  They got used to the complacency of the march and really didn't expect it.   I'm going to end now only because I really wanna watch tv.  Hey, at least I'm honest about it.   Write back and let me know how things are going for you. By the way, my garden plot rules!   I'm eating my kale and basil, the hot peppers are ripening and the flowers are lovely.  More pics soon!     Love you all,   Barbara                                                

What I did on my Summer vacation

Mid-Afternoon, Sunday, August 29, 2004   The Green dragon came trundling up Seventh Avenue to the tunes of The Clash and the chanting of Anti-Bush protesters. Drums beating, people dancing, signs and banners displaying the people's disgust with the Bush Regime   I helped carry the tail of the big, green dragon.  As we approached Madison Square Garden, I could see the pigs on the top of the entryway into the Long Island RailRoad station.  We donned our bandannas, our sunglasses and our umbrellas to protect us from the pigs' cameras pointing in our direction. The march slowed to a halt as we got in front of the Garden. A voice coming from the Dragon's mouth declared " This is my favorite song!"  the opening lyrics and melody of Led Zeppelin's "Your time is gonna come"  "Lying, cheating, hurting, thats all you seem to do...."  I thought to myself "How apropos".  The song played out and then came the raucous hardcore punk music screaming anarchy. The kids shouted, "WHOSE STREETS?  OUR STREETS".   Many of the protesters joined in.   Suddenly, I heard a voice that said "Oops we're out of power.  I left the tail to see the dragon head better and I walked around, the familar scent of combustible fluid filled the air. The kids ran off and in their wake, a dragon starts to smoulder.  The cops stood there in a stupor, not believing what their eyes are telling them as the dragon head burst into flames. Belately, the made haste to try to catch some young 'anarchists' but the lot of them ran away. The angry cops started violently pushing and arresting people at random. People who weren't even marching with the dragon got grabbed by the pigs.   After thirty to forty five minutes of confusion and no real prey, the cops finally let the march continue its path to Union Square Park. Burn, Dragon, Burn!!!!!!!

more stupid posts

BellJS: Jamaal just bailed me out dis afternoon...I mights be going upstate for some serious time
Barbikat60: fuk dat, I gots some money stashed from the last tahm I sold food stamps, lets drive to Mexico
Barbikat60: I know your ass is lying because Keisha just called saying you left your drawers in her bed last night
Barbikat60: Ima beat the shit out of you an' her
BellJS: that ho is lyin'. I wuz in lockup all night. I cants be fleeing, woman. what abouts my other 6 kids? who is gonna teach dem the ropes?
Barbikat60: how 'bout their real daddies?
BellJS: I knocked up all dem bitches. Keisha, Moesha, LaTisha, LaWanda, and Moesha's mother. I gots to takes responsibilities, you know. fathers day is already confusin' enuff
Barbikat60: what you need to do is cut that dick off and stop fucking around,
Barbikat60: My daddy says that you is no good
BellJS: Yo' daddy?! The same coot that left youse and yo' sisters when you wuz 9 years old? I'll kick dat junkies ass back to Georgia...Dees womens love my Alabama blacksnake. Plus theys give me moneys when I need it.
Barbikat60: you is evil <crossing mahself>
BellJS: do hate the player, woman; hate the game. Plus, all my east new York connections just got busted yesterday, over at the projects. Me and Jamaal was supposed to go out on dat boat this Sunday!
Barbikat60: lololololololololol
Barbikat60: you read that too???
Barbikat60: that was funny
Barbikat60: I mean, I feel sorry for those poor people but it was right out of New Jack City!!!!!!
Barbikat60: holy shit!!!!!!
BellJS: you knows I can't read, woman...My shipment of rock was seized near Thomas Jefferson elementary. Now what the fuck am I gonna sell?! Fucking feds don't respect nothin'.
Barbikat60: you should put that ho Keisha out on the stroll and make money from her nasty ass
BellJS: Keisha done pull in $9.35 an hour at the KFC on Atlantic. She also gets benefits fo her 5 kids(2 of mine). I does pimp her out, on duh side, for some spendin' cash. I mights have to begin to deal outta her basement, as dis recent bust will put a serious crimp in my cash flow. Maybe my boyz down at the Coney island projects will want to do some bizness again.

Auto response from Barbikat60: You can't always get what you want!

Barbikat60: I just don't know, I think I haf to cut you loose and date Tyrone, at least he got a job at UPS. and he look good in dem shorts
BellJS: motherfucking Tyrone...Icut him I sees his ass.
BellJS signed off at 3:41:49 PM.

Thursday night

I hope my new friend doesn't mind that I'm posting our ims but it was funny as all hell.

ellJS [1:16 PM]:  sheeet, biatch. What I look like? Be usen dem cloth diapers and shit.
Auto response from Barbikat60 [1:16 PM]: Barbikat60 is online but may be away from AOL right now.
BellJS [1:42 PM]:  sheet...my life ain't but shufflin' from one jail to another.
BellJS [1:43 PM]:  Me and Raheem gonna knock off that bodega on Malcolm X blvd tonight...I try to grab some of dem Pampers, along with some .40's, for you...
BellJS [1:45 PM]:  shit...cops is here! its a rade! I gots to flush my rock...kiss your cousins baby for me!
BellJS signed off at 1:45 PM

 

I wish I was able to save the entire chat, it was truly hilarious

I'm leaving the plantation, maybe I'll finish this entry tonight. ciao

Okay, I've been pretty remiss in entries. It all started weeks ago but I'll start with last weekend. I let Mr Wes come stay at my place last weekend and we partied!!! and partied. I hung out in the rain on Saturday and Sunday, the vile Michael hung out in La Plaza all day for the bluegrass ball even though I was there
ohh yeah, Saturday was way cool because I got to see Wigstock! Anyway on Sunday, the dolt was there with dog and beer. He went shirtless which creeped me out. Later on, he showed up with Mary loo for the Yippie Tea party. He walked past me and said really nastily, "Oh My Gawd". He really is a piece of shit. Fuck him.
With the exception of him showing up, it wasn't so bad. I totally accept the fact that Mary Loo is not a friend of mine. its cool, I can accept that. Whatever.
So, ummmm, that damn New Orleans guy was really hot. Best sex that I have had since the good part of the Curtis Riche days. I'll never see the little bastard again but its just as well. Yeah, Keep on Trucking (Eddie Kendricks is singing lead on this Temptations song). The protests have begun. This is going to be the most interesting week ever!!! I'm doing okay, outside of being an alcoholic and obsessive silly ass, I'm doing quite fine. Yummmmmmmy.

Sleepy, Sleepy little mouse

Hola all, its Friday and I'm sleepy so I'm going to bed early. Sylvia's last day was today and I have decided that I'm not going to feel guilty or bad about myself. I didn't keep the job because I am Mark's pet because I certainly am not! I got to keep it because I am more able than her. She had six years to learn things and she choose not to. Thats not my fault. I give her credit because she put out a lot of work but we didn't work together as a team so she never did things that I guess the office deemed necessary. Again, thats not my fault. My concern is to do a good job and try to keep my job. If it doesn't happen, well, there is unemployment, a chance to undergo training in another more lucrative field and I can relentlessly try to get a job with the New York State Courts system. I can't get upset and depressed, I have to keep moving on. I have five days sober today. I am just trying to take a day at a time and go from there.  I'm still in the throes of Michael mania and Jael's birthday is Tuesday. He must be suffering. I feel for the man, I really do. If anybody reads this on the weekend, come to the Howl Festival in the Lower East Side this weekend. Its going to be fun, fun, fun, fun!!!!!! I love you all, you rascally rabbits!!!!

cleaning is a good thing

I'm in a MUCH BETTER mood tonight than I was last night.  Should I tell about last night. Eh, I promised to be honest so dammit, I have to.

Somebody picked my squash in my plot.  They did a rather messy job and as a result my plants are ruined and no more squash will be coming forth from my lovely garden. Sigh................

I leave the Garden and who do I see but Michael McGreal walking along someplace dressed nicely and carrying some bags.  I'm feeling hurt because I think that he's probably on his way to a date being so nicely dressed and the bag probably contains clothes for his night out but duh.......I forgot about Lucky.  He can't stay out and forget about Lucky.  Anyway, he sees me and promptly turns around and heads back to Serenity or in that direction.  I just keep going towards the bus stop since that was my destination anyway.

I get to the subway and as I'm going to get a seat, this chubby black girl pushes me aside to get her fat ass a seat. As I go to the next one, her skinny and arrogant friend puts her bags right where I was going to sit.  I really have had enough of bullshit. From hearing Sylvia all day at work and seeing her smirking when Olga was busting chops at me to seeing Michael being an idiot yet again.

I picked up her bags and slammed them in the seat next to her friend.  No real reason for it, I just snapped.   She goes off and I just tell her, "yeah, I touched your stupid bags, its a moot point to tell me not to touch them when I did already. So, shut the fuck up"

Ohhh, she was not happy at all and kept ranting and her friend telling her that I'm crazy.  Those little bitches.  I provoke her, hoping that she tires to hit me so that I can knock the shit out of her.  Keep in mind folks, I haven't had a drink since Sunday morning.  Ummm, yeah, I had a beer for breakfast on Sunday and thats all, okay?   So, anyway, I'm sitting there seething and started wondering when was my period due.

I go to work today and see that I am due next week.  Hence the evilness, I'm in the throes of a particularly ugly pre menstrual temper tantrum.  I've gotten them since, heh, before I got my period.   It happens every so often but actually much more times since I hit my mid thirties.

I got sick at work so I didn't go to my therapist today or my photography booking.  I did bring home a new chair and I'm sitting in it right now.  I also spent quite a bit of time cleaning my kitchen tonight.  I'm rather happy about that.  Its almost clean, then all I have to do is clean my living room and do all the laundry and my apartment will be great.

I'm burning incense now and I'm very sleepy.  Life is good. I have to deal.  Good night, All!!!!

Sunday morning, rainy

so, yeah, I went to see the Dead on Friday.  I had a great time.  I was in the VIP section, how frigging swank!!!!

Here's the playlist

August 13, 2004
Jones Beach Theater
Wantagh, NY

Set 1:
Jam> The Wheel>
No More Do I> Into The Mystic
Strange World> The Eleven>
Uncle John's Band
@Weather Report Suite Prelude>
@WRS Part 1> @Let It Grow

Set 2:
Help On The Way>
Slipknot!> Shakedown Street
^Nothing Else Matters (WH)>
Cryptical Envelopment>
The Other One>
Drumz/Space>
Dark Star (v1)>
Unbroken Chain>
Slipknot!>
Franklin's Tower

E: #We Bid You Goodnight

@Bobby acoustic
^first time played, Metallica song
#Phil, Bobby, Warren and Jeff vocals,
Jeff on piano only

I was hoping that Michael was going to relent and come with me to the show but it didn't happen.  Oh well.

I was admonished by a friend about my lack of posting in the past few days. Sigh....so here it goes.
Sex, sex and more sex and yes, the Good Doctor is the only one that comes close to making me howl with delight. I rather miss those lovely nights of snuggling close to you-know-who and just being happy to wake up in the morning chattering. We both give good morning chatter. He was great that way. Still, snuggles and hugs and tender kisses. I keep thinking that these things are going to continually evade me. I haven't had a real affectionate boyfriend since the days of Claude, Sakis and Scotty. Those guys really treated me like a nice girl and we did the hand holding and nicey nicey stuff.
All boyfriends since then (with the exception of Michael) was all about sex, sex, sex. I mean, yeah, I did cool things with Seth but he goes far out of his way to be arrogant alpha male unless his emotions are shattered and then he needs hugs. Ummm, but what about moi???? sigh..........So, I guess, I'm going to be celibate for awhile. This sex without love thing is
bullshit, yess, this sex without love thing is bullshit
So, I supposed to get tickets to see the dead tomorrow at Jones and its going to be raining and I think John is going to be pouty but I don't care. I should've just went on my own and gave the extra ticket away
I have too many secrets and at first I felt privileged and now it just feels like a weight. My therapy session was way harsh. She wasn't mean but to bring things into focus is not what I want right now even though its what I need.
I'm getting ready for the RNC. lots of volunteer work to be done and I'm totally game. I hope things are not too volatile. I'm not here in spirit, only in the flesh. I have no idea where my spirit is. Probably hiding until I stop messing with bad apples and give some much needed love to myself.
ahhhhh, it did feel good to let all that out. Thanks to the doctor for reminding me of what I'm supposed to be doing. and not necessarily whom I'm doing!!!! More to come later!!!

Yippeeee, I'm at work. You know....every fucking Summer, we have the battle of the air conditioners. This year, its unbearable. the bastards are keeping it way cold and I have to continually wear a warm jacket INSIDE the office so that I don't get sick from going indoors to outdoors. That damn stinky Jimmy from C-Squat is trying to make time with me. Ewwwwwwww. He smells like dead rat or something equally foul. I saw Billy Comfort and he dissed me as usual. Luckily, I don't think he's so hot anymore but I like drinking with him.
Otherwise, yesterday was a nice day, I got my scarves for my Canopy bed and now I feel so elegant. I still feel kind of twisted that they don't match but I can buy some scarves that match another day. I want to talk to Michael McGreal. Its eating at me so much. I just want to talk to him and let everything go. I'm finding it so hard to just walk away. I know, its stupid. I'm stupid. sigh.............off to the chiropractor's.

Sunday morning, again and again

Yeah so, some old geezer is going to paint my ceiling this morning and then I'm going to go shopping for fabric to use in the project. Then I go to La Plaza to replenish the water supply.  Go food shopping at Pathmark and then take my ass home to clean my kitchen.    All in all, a jam packed day.

I sent a letter out in regards to my shenanigans last night and this is what Nathaniel sent me:

And it all means jack-shit if you don't learn from your problems. Hey,
if you enjoy being a sad drunk, than keep it up. If you don't, than -
as Dave said - change.

That cut deep but its true.  I don't know what to say.  I have no courage to try again.  Thats the truth of the matter.  I'll have to cut off the usual suspects and start all over in AA and I'm just so willful.  I really need help with this. This really sucks.

Later on in the day of a Saturday

I had two pints of Sam Adams and some Johnny Walker Red for brunch today.   Now thats a healthy meal.  Okay, I did eat some eggs with it as well.

I didn't do anything that I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO!

Instead, I went to the Anniversary of the Riot in Tompkins Square park. 

Michael saw me and walked off and left the park.  That truly made me sad but shit happens.

Drank half a pint of Stella Artois at the Sunburnt cow and had a catfish taco at San Loco's.  I only ate that because I know Michael always orders it.  It did taste good though.  I'm home now and it looks as if I'm going to be blown off.  I had a date tonight with John Kapsales and it wasn't as if I really wanted to go but it still sucks to be stood up.

It's only eight forty but I've had it with the world tonight.  I'm going to go lie down in bed and forget that my life is kinda stupid right now.

I haven't heard from Jael in awhile. I guess I'll write off an email and see if she responds.  I wonder when she'll get tired of running away.

 

Hahahhahaahahha, I am so stupid, I just got a call from John.  He did call my cell and in my drunken stupidity, I thought he was some guy that I met on Craigslist and I totally blew him off rudely. I, unfortunately, remember the call, I was leaving the park and was quite giddy and DRUNK.

LET THAT BE YET ANOTHER LESSON HOW ALCOHOL FUCKS UP MY LIFE OR RATHER HOW I FUCK UP MY LIFE WITH ALCOHOL!!!!!!

Whats up, World???

Hello, its me,  you know that I'd be with you if I could..........

I love Todd Rundgren.

Today, I'm missing Christopher Cassinelli and the rest of the whole Villa Court crew. Thems my peeps!!

This was a good summer, I had fun at the Mermaid parade.  I just chilled at Stanley's house upstate two weeks ago and now I'm just hanging out enjoying my new bed.  Life is sweet.

Its been a long time

So, yeah, I haven't posted in awhile.   Gosh!!!  Lots of stuff, lots of stuff.  I'm drinking again....sigh.

My garden is fabulous!!!!! I will write more but right now I'm talking to guys that I met on craigslist and though I doubt I'll get laid its fun to chat. 

by the way, I did the dirty finally.

I am annoying my co workers, I'm playing the long version of the Dead Kennedys " California Uber Alles

And days go on, cloudy, rainy, sometimes full of Sunshine. I am alive.

If I die, I will never have to deal with this kind of confusion ever again. If I die, I will never see how it all ends. I never will know what I missed, who I will love, who will love me.

Never steady, always up and down. I looked at Courtney Love's picture in the Post today and I wondered how Kurt Cobain felt when just before he shot himself? Did he feel the way I do now?

For once, I'm not despairing because I ain't got a Valentine's sweetheart

Its days before Valentine's day, it used to be St. Valentine's Day.  I made plans to hang out with my friend Brett but now I wish I didn't because I would rather just go to the movies and see Miracle at the Ziegfield by myself and enjoy a good jock flick because I like that sort of stuff.

The Michael thing is not so bad, I still miss him but at the same time, reality is more in my mind than my fantasies.  Hell, I sorta hope he does have another woman in his life.  I get to move on and he gets to learn to finally have a healthy relationship with somebody and maybe Jael will have a good female influence in her life.

It kind of brings me a sense of peace to be honest like that.  Its like that Rolling Stones song, You can't always get what you want, but you find some times, you might find, you get what you need.

That makes me smile and I haven't smiled in a long ass time.

yeah, I'm getting tired of it as well but its still there

I'm going to write this every fucking day until I'm over him.  I'm sorry,  its the only way that I can make myself deal with this.    I miss Michael McGreal so much.  I got some photographs back from developing and I love the picture of him sleeping with Lucky.

Dag. why did it have to end like this?  Why do I still think we still can be together?  I do have issues.   I'm worried.

I'll just take it a day at a time.  Its all good.

Not so happy in the brilliant sunlight of morning

I miss him so much.  Despite of everything, I miss him so so much.  I could hold him and bury my nose in his smelly armpits and breathe deeply of his damn smelly ass underarms.

and run my hands through his hair even though he sometimes puts too much olive oil in it.  I love him so much. its so bad how much I miss him.  

Okay, I've been spending most of the past week and a half feeling sorry for myself and making myself miserable over this fool. I'm making an attempt to stem the self loathing and crawling to him. I still can't believe that I hit him. I feel so bad about that but the creep deserved it. I should have slugged him more. The way he cowered, I know I would've gotten away with it. Actually, that is such fucked up behavior. I never would've thought that I'd act like such a moron. I was hurt though. shit. he got to hurt me. over and over again. It just isn't fair.

Ummmmm, I punched Michael in the face yesterday. totally fucked up behavior. eek!!!!!

self respect, self esteem, loving myself. Holding myself and knowing that I'm beautiful. I don't have any of these things. Hopefully, one day, I will

Today, I have to babysit Francesca and Anna. I have no time to be moody or desolate for something that I never had.

Michael never loved me. Michael desires a young attorney. I have nothing left to offer him.
Jael is gone and I am no use to him.

I have to suck it up and stop calling him. I'm only going to put myself through unnecessary pain because he doesn't give a shit about me, He never has and never will. All the phone calls, dinners, throwing money at him and kissing his ass will not make him love me, respect me or
be my lover.

whats cool is that life goes on and I can find people who care about me once I start caring about myself
I'm three days sober and I have gone to meetings two days in a row. I think I rock!!

Errrrrrr, I was told by a dear friend that as much as I am suffering, that I am comfortable in my role as victim. and damn, she's right. Anyway, on to bigger and bolder things. I'm going to plan a trip to California and Arizona. If anybody have any advice or extra pup tents and foam mats, let me know. I'm finally going to go to the Grand Canyon and sleep by the stars. I'm really happy about it. Also, I'm going to go to San Francisco and eat on the wharf, look at sea lions and go to Los Angeles to chill with my fellow freaks on Sunset Boulevard.

This fucking sucks

very upset, full of sadness, crying, crying, all the fucking time. I hate sitting here and dwelling on how he makes me feel so bad. I wish I could just sleep it off and be okay. I'm really tired. I really am.
In other news, well, I don't know any other news. I'm going to write to Eric Drooker and see if I can stay at his place in California and see what my options are as far as seeing the sights and all of that.

The morning after

Last night, God spoke through me and I didn't whine or beg.  I simply said that I can't be hurt any longer.  I deserve better than that and that I'd rather let the man go than put up any longer with his abuse.

He showed up drunk, high and apologetic.

He said that the date was probably going to amount to nothing.  I told him that that was none of my business. The only thing that concerned me was the way he treats me.

He said he was just teasing me, that I'm too sensitive.

I didn't freak. Deansie jumped into my lap and gave me lots of kitty love. Deansie really helped me stay calm.

So, he took all of Jael's stuff and he hugs me and calls me his sister and he leaves.

For a few hours, I feel cool because I handled myself like I actually have some sense.

This morning, I wake up and the first thought is how I hurt and I don't understand why Michael hurts me.   And I think about the date and how it makes me sick knowing that he doesn't want me.

Look, I'm going to stay away, I'm going to stick to weight watchers and maybe if I handle my money properly, I'll go to California for my birthday.  Yeah, I'll check out Northern California and see some sea lions.  Why the heck not? 

So, you see, life goes on. I don't have to wallow in self pity over idiot guys.

This is the final (again) time that I get hurt by this guy.

He tells me (and you can hear the smirk in his voice) that some young attorney asked him out on a date.  He tells me while he knows my heart is breaking. 

He tells me because its so easy. I let him hurt me.  I will tolerate all kinds of bullshit just to be with him.

I have no respect for myself.  I just put Jael's things out into the hallway for him to pick up and its not because I don't want her around, its because I have no other option. I have to let go because he's going to hurt me as much as I let him and I'm going to end up feeling sorry for myself and cutting my wrist or shooting heroin or whatever bullshit means that I can use to further abuse myself.

And I was going to help Jael, instill some self respect. HAHHAHAHAHAHAH.

That girl has more sense than me.

I'm at a loss for words.  I guess I have to go to sex and love addicts anonymous finally and AA and learn to love and respect myself.  I feel like a broken record because I keep making the same mistakes.

Is it love that I want?  what kind of love?   I have to learn to love myself first.  Shit, I have no concept of what that is. That is so pitiful.

Anyway, I'm going to try to stop the self pity and try to make some use of my life.   I read some thing about spiritual growth is useless if you don't give back.

I guess thats why service is so important in AA but I want to expand on that.