He tells me (and you can hear the smirk in his voice) that some young attorney asked him out on a date. He tells me while he knows my heart is breaking.
He tells me because its so easy. I let him hurt me. I will tolerate all kinds of bullshit just to be with him.
I have no respect for myself. I just put Jael's things out into the hallway for him to pick up and its not because I don't want her around, its because I have no other option. I have to let go because he's going to hurt me as much as I let him and I'm going to end up feeling sorry for myself and cutting my wrist or shooting heroin or whatever bullshit means that I can use to further abuse myself.
And I was going to help Jael, instill some self respect. HAHHAHAHAHAHAH.
That girl has more sense than me.
I'm at a loss for words. I guess I have to go to sex and love addicts anonymous finally and AA and learn to love and respect myself. I feel like a broken record because I keep making the same mistakes.
Is it love that I want? what kind of love? I have to learn to love myself first. Shit, I have no concept of what that is. That is so pitiful.
Anyway, I'm going to try to stop the self pity and try to make some use of my life. I read some thing about spiritual growth is useless if you don't give back.
I guess thats why service is so important in AA but I want to expand on that.
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