Hello world, I'm still here.

Melancholy

Its so hot and I just can't sleep so I'm playing melancholic music hoping it will drive me to despair and then sleep.   No, because the meds are working and I'm rather enjoying my melancholy tonight.   So, the songs play on, melodic bittersweet symphonies and Angels singing their songs of love and I'm here.  Are you here?     Nobody is here, nobody except the weirdos who managed to find this site.   its okay, I don't mind sharing my angst.  I am always angst ridden after sex. I don't know why.  And the lovely guy person is so sweet tonight and is reading in the kitchen as I type away and play melancholy music.  He is so patient. I can't believe I was going to cheat on him just because I was frustrated when he's the best thing that has happened to me in such a long time.

Horridly depressed, there's just no words for the feeling of hate and self loathing that I am filled with. I hate this place

San Francisco with Rev Billy

We all performed all over the Bay Area.     We totally rock!!!!

Nice Prom pics from my dearest girl

My ex boyfriend's daughter's prom day.  Gosh, she grew up fast.

Prom night

Last night, I went to my first prom.  It was absolutely the coolest!  Joe picked me up and we went out to dinner and had Paella.  Then we picked up Donna and Ken and I showed off the lovely orchid corsage that Joe got me!!!!!  It was the absolute coolest!

The party was so so okay,  lol, I guess like a real prom.  The best part was being wifth Joe, I really like hanging out with him.

Then we went to the Complacent after party. we danced and damnnn. I really like this guy Joe.  I wonder how long this is going to last?

I'm having a fabulous time

Yeah, fun politics, baseball, fun, politics baseball!!!!!!!!!!!

Tinkerbelle

Thats so cute and when you see it in other places, she sparkles

 

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Lots of things but you have to slow down and just plant, ya know?

I'm enjoying life, working in my garden, watching baseball, singing with the choir.  wandering the city. I love my life.

Reverend Billy and the Stop Shopping Gospel Choir in Boston!

The STop Shopping Choir had an awesome time in Boston this past weekend.  All the pictures were taken by Fred Askew.

We stayed in a fab mansion in Newport, Rhode Island.  It was great!!!!!!  I'll write more later.

Its the morning

First last week, the second anniversary of the start of the Iraqi War.  We artists and collaboraters of World War Three Arts in Action performed our anti military street theater at the protests in Brooklyn and in Central Park.  It was incredible.  I love doing street theater.

I like Easter as a pagan holiday.  I met Michele's Italian friend and we cavorted with her friend all around Fifth Avenue.

I had the best date with John K.  He picked me up and we spend all day in Prospect Park, went out to dinner, went to the movies and back to the park to walk in the light of the full moon. He brought Easter baskets over for J. and I.

Unbelievable how nice this weekend was.  J and I colored eggs yesterday and we spent a lot of time bonding.

I got the most coolest letter from Ramor and he is really such a sweetie. I hope I can get him to stay with me when he's finished housesitting.  It would be so cool.  He cuddles so nicely when we sleep together.

Life is rather cool despite all the grayness.and wet of the weather.

Party pics From Arrow's Party and earlier that night

I was sober for thirty nine days and on the fortieth day, I drank a jack and coke and that was all she wrote.

Started out at Down the Hatch, ran home to change.  Was a doorperson at Arrow's shindig. Got wasted, took Irish boy home. Purrrrrrr!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!

Its my birthday!  I'm forty five.  I'm so groovy!!!!!  I'm including pics from my birthday party last weekend.

Affirmations of the serious kind

I had hoped it wouldn't come to this but fuck it, you all know all my rotten parts anyway.

I have bipolar disorder. I have to be on medication to keep me relatively calm. If I don't take my medication, I fluctuate from being somewhat normal, incredibly manic, horridly anxious, viciously paranoid and dark, dark, darkly depressed.

When I was younger, I didn't know that I was mentally ill. I just knew that I hated the way I felt about myself and I was confused because I didn't understand why I couldn't function like a nice, regular person.

And yeah, unfortunately, I did try to kill myself when I was younger. Luckily, I had good friends in my life who steered me in the direction for getting help.

Its been very up and down for me, especially because I have an addiction to alcohol and when I succumb to it, it really heightens all the nasty aspects of my disease.

This is why I am no longer drinking right now. Besides the Christmas party incident, I have went through a two year period of obsessive compulsive behaviour that brought out my suicidal tendencies for the first time in years.

Unlike Hunter S. Thompson (I'm assuming this) I choose not to continue to sink in my hole. I made the decision to stop drinking and take my medicine and try to eat well and rest. All of the things I'm notorious for not doing.

I'm so much better now but I'm not healed. I have to be vigilant about keeping myself out of situations that will affect me adversely. No more drinking, no more slutting out. No more hanging out in dangerous situations just because I'm an excitement junkie. I have to go to therapy and I have to learn to love myself.

A lot of people don't know how to do these things or they lack the spirit to try to help themselves. I'm really lucky that God blessed me with such a love for life or I might have been as desolate as Dr. Thompson and would've been dead a long time ago.

I don't know what demons he had but I understand the feeling of worthlessness and self hate. He could've won the Nobel Prize and every literary award in the world but when you are in throes of depression, none of that matters. The only thing that you are aware of is the feeling of self doubt, darkness and the inability to deal with all those fucked up feelings.

Its cool that you think he's a loser, that means that hopefully you are in a place where you will never feel as fucked up as he did and won't ever do what he did.

Life is a struggle, to me thats the fun of it. I have had misery in my life and I rose above it to make jokes about it later on.

Some people are not so fortunate and I'm not going to condemn them. Instead, I try to make myself available to the people that I can reach and give them help and strength just like people did for me.

Some people die by the bottle, the needle, by working themselves to death. Who am I to judge? The only thing I can do is to take care of myself so that I don't join them.

Westminster Dog Show - Tuesday

What a day!!!  I'll explain more later.

Westminster Dog Show - Monday 2-14-05

Amazing day at the dog show.  However, I'm really tired, I'll explain more about it later.

I have no idea why I exist but hey, the music is fun

I have been a a really busy little bee.   I've been going out to museums, seeing art work,  I rehearsed tonight with Rev Billy's Choir.  I'm taking pics and learning photography.  I'm writing a little.  I'm getting pretty astounded with myself.

Spring is coming, the shoots of plants are starting to break through.  I'm very excited about it.  Life is good.

Yippee

Even though I feel my pms start to rear up, I'm feeling quite fine these days.  Yeah, sure I have bronchitis but in the scheme of things, life is pretty groovy.

I got to stay with Sascha and I had a great time doing it.  I really missed her.  I also hung out at St. Marks Church and got to see Reverend Billy and the Stop Shopping Choir.  They put on the Weed and Seed revival in support of Community gardens and in remembrance of Esperanza Garden.

Saturday, I saw the end of the Idiotarod shopping cart race.  That was fucking hysterical.  I wish I was there to see the whole thing.

Yippee, I really do have a life even though I'm in denial about it.

Its not fair that I cry everytime I read something that he sends me. I don't think its fair that he has to write ten thousand ways of saying that he needs to get away from me when a simple "no, I can't do it" would've sufficed. Yeah, I do have a love jones for him.
Yeah, he has a right to run from me if he doesn't feel the same way. The fucker had plenty of time to realize that it was a bad idea to stay over my house weeks before the shit hit the fan. The fucker knew I liked him before New Years weekend and yet he stayed with me anyway afterwards and on subsequent weekends and weekdays. Yeah, I'm bitter. I'm bitter because I don't feel its fair for me to hurt when all I did was open my heart to somebody who made it quite easy for me for fall for him. You don't want anybody to emotionally cling to you, don't fucking stay at my home for fucking 48 to 72 hours at a time and eat my food and treat me like I"m your goddamn daughter.

Early morning

I'm tired of waking up in the morning feeling like shit.  I thought this would all go away when I got my period.  I thought I was just pmsing.  It turns out that I'm not just depressed.

I wish this was made clearer to me and I would've been taking my meds.

How was I to know......................Ohhhh bullshit, I've known that I'm emotionally weak for years.  I know that I'm not supposed to be drinking.  I know that I need to rest and stay out of adverse conditions that causes me to flip out.

Yet despite my knowledge, this is all that I've been doing with myself for years.

I have these moments of clarity whereupon I decide to go to AA but then I get disenchanted and I go right back to fucking up and having breakdowns.

If I'm not careful, one of these days, I won't be able to talk myself into loving myself.  One of these days, I'm going to be dead a lot sooner and by my own hands not natural causes or an accident.

I feel really bad about the Gregor thing.  I really miss him.  It was nice to wake up and have somebody sleeping here and have company in my apartment.  I'm realizing that I hate being alone and he definitely filled a void.

It really sucks that I can't seem to get myself to sleep at night and then I'm horribly tired every morning.

This is who I am and nobody can take that from me.

I'm so beautiful.   I really am. Inside and out.   Yeah, I'm not perfect but if you are my friend, you'll understand that and realize that despite my foibles, I'm so full of love and I will be there for anybody as long as they need it. 

My doctor finally confirmed that I am definitely bi-polar.  Well, its okay, it could be worse.  I could be a murdering psychopath.

I went back to AA and I will start my meds tomorrow.  I don't have a choice.  I'm tired of the obsessive-compulsive way that I have of wrecking my life.  I am allergic to alcohol.  It does make me sick and it isn't good for my mental state of mind.  As far as the drugs are concerned.  If it makes me feel better, then thats what I have to do.  I guess I'll have to go on the Lithium as well.  Its okay.  I'm doing weight watchers.  I'll be fine.

I'll exercise by walking until its warm enough to ride my bike and I'll take Yoga.  I'll be fine.

Barbarina, beautiful black woman with the loving heart and the cackling laugh, heheheheheh.  I'm so cool!

Ohhh yeah, let me tell you about those pictures. I am madly in love with photography.  The pictures taken at the Narrows was taken as snow squalls and bone chilling hard winds whipped me around.  It was worth it because it was so beautiful down there.

 

So, without further ado, this is why I lost my mind this time:

                                          

                                                   Holiday follies

It happened right around the time of the art opening actually. I started doing photography developing at ABC and met one of the volunteers in the photo lab. We got on ridiculously well. He really brought out the really funny side of me. I spent more time picking on him in jest and just being hilarious that soon photography just became an excuse to hang out there.

I invited him over to my apartment for Christmas Eve and I cooked really good food and then we watched Quentin Tarantino movies all night. The next day I kicked him out because I had things to do that day. We had no sex and he slept out in my living room.

That week we had a talk and I told him that I liked him. He told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship because he was only months separated from his wife and that he wasn't over it yet.

Despite this, I invited him over for New Years Eve.
I had so many plans to hang out with my friends, yet I blew them all off to hang with the guy. It was very quiet and nice. He cooked for me and we hung out on the roof at midnight to see the fire works. In the afternoon, we went down to Coney Island and spend the day there talking on the beach. Later, I took him to my friend's home for a New Years day get together. He was very snotty in how he called my friends and the people that he invited very snotty and bourgeois. Okay, he was right but I have all kinds of friends. He stayed over all weekend until I finally sent him on his way on Sunday night. The cool thing about him being there was that he made me throw out years of clutter that I managed to accumulate over the years, mainly clothes.

I should add that he read my piece on my mental history and saw my picture before he spent Christmas with me. And I was very honest in telling him all about my insecurities and things.

That week after New years was hell. A friend of mine came into town very pregnant, with no place to stay and she is underage. She represents part of a very traumatic two years that just passed. Having her stay with me for four days and of those four days, not having any sleep any of those days, I went mental. I also was having my pms. Of all of the times for me to need rest and peace, I did not do any of those things.

I went silently nuts and tried to contain it.

She left thursday morning, Thursday night, the guy was back and I was up again.

Friday, I invited him to hang with a mutual friend and I to go see Ricanstruction. I asked him if he would've dated this woman and he said yeah. I was crushed because he made it quite clear to me that he was not interested in me and yet he spends all this time with me. I just hold it all in and I don't know what to do. We actually all go out together. I drink beer. I had to. I needed to feel better.

he comes back to my place and I finally get some sleep.

I write him an e-mail and tell him that I think that we need some space
Saturday, I leave him in my apartment to sleep and I go to house clean a friend's apartment whose father had recently passed away.
Her mother and I start drinking later in the afternoon. I am giddy and ready to deal with the Squatter archive party. I pick up the guy at NO Rio, totally trashed and when we get to NO Rio, I leap into the arms of an ex lover and kissed him.
Its all theater for the benefit of the guy who doesn't like me romantically. I don't even like my ex in that way. I'm ridiculous that night.



We all go out to dinner after the show and then the guy and I retreat to my apartment. he stays on Sunday.

I read a response to my e-mail that he sends. He says that he agrees with my needing space but he hopes that we don't lose each other in the process

Monday, I go to work and come home. I have come down with a nasty case of the flu. He's still there and he takes wonderful care of me.

Tuesday afternoon he leaves and I ask him to either call me or e-mail me.

I haven't heard from him since. No e-mail. no calls. I called twice and the first time he says he can't talk. The second time, he just doesn't answer the phone.

I am crushed. I feel like its all my fault. I am hurting so bad, I entertain hurting myself but thats just stupid but its hard to handle the hurt that I feel now.

I know, I know. Let it go. But I'm so confused, What did I do wrong. Why did I get deaded. What did I do that I deserved to be treated like this?

And on top of that, why do I miss him still? I should be like, fuck that asshole. He should be lucky that I wanted his trite ass. but I'm not, Instead I'm thinking, if I wasn't so fat, so bourgeois, such a clutterbug. he would be here right now. I really don't know what to do with myself.

Barbara January 15, 2005

 

I'm so mentally ill, its ridiculous. I hate myself. I really do