Its not fair that I cry everytime I read something that he sends me. I don't think its fair that he has to write ten thousand ways of saying that he needs to get away from me when a simple "no, I can't do it" would've sufficed. Yeah, I do have a love jones for him.
Yeah, he has a right to run from me if he doesn't feel the same way. The fucker had plenty of time to realize that it was a bad idea to stay over my house weeks before the shit hit the fan. The fucker knew I liked him before New Years weekend and yet he stayed with me anyway afterwards and on subsequent weekends and weekdays. Yeah, I'm bitter. I'm bitter because I don't feel its fair for me to hurt when all I did was open my heart to somebody who made it quite easy for me for fall for him. You don't want anybody to emotionally cling to you, don't fucking stay at my home for fucking 48 to 72 hours at a time and eat my food and treat me like I"m your goddamn daughter.

Early morning

I'm tired of waking up in the morning feeling like shit.  I thought this would all go away when I got my period.  I thought I was just pmsing.  It turns out that I'm not just depressed.

I wish this was made clearer to me and I would've been taking my meds.

How was I to know......................Ohhhh bullshit, I've known that I'm emotionally weak for years.  I know that I'm not supposed to be drinking.  I know that I need to rest and stay out of adverse conditions that causes me to flip out.

Yet despite my knowledge, this is all that I've been doing with myself for years.

I have these moments of clarity whereupon I decide to go to AA but then I get disenchanted and I go right back to fucking up and having breakdowns.

If I'm not careful, one of these days, I won't be able to talk myself into loving myself.  One of these days, I'm going to be dead a lot sooner and by my own hands not natural causes or an accident.

I feel really bad about the Gregor thing.  I really miss him.  It was nice to wake up and have somebody sleeping here and have company in my apartment.  I'm realizing that I hate being alone and he definitely filled a void.

It really sucks that I can't seem to get myself to sleep at night and then I'm horribly tired every morning.

This is who I am and nobody can take that from me.

I'm so beautiful.   I really am. Inside and out.   Yeah, I'm not perfect but if you are my friend, you'll understand that and realize that despite my foibles, I'm so full of love and I will be there for anybody as long as they need it. 

My doctor finally confirmed that I am definitely bi-polar.  Well, its okay, it could be worse.  I could be a murdering psychopath.

I went back to AA and I will start my meds tomorrow.  I don't have a choice.  I'm tired of the obsessive-compulsive way that I have of wrecking my life.  I am allergic to alcohol.  It does make me sick and it isn't good for my mental state of mind.  As far as the drugs are concerned.  If it makes me feel better, then thats what I have to do.  I guess I'll have to go on the Lithium as well.  Its okay.  I'm doing weight watchers.  I'll be fine.

I'll exercise by walking until its warm enough to ride my bike and I'll take Yoga.  I'll be fine.

Barbarina, beautiful black woman with the loving heart and the cackling laugh, heheheheheh.  I'm so cool!

Ohhh yeah, let me tell you about those pictures. I am madly in love with photography.  The pictures taken at the Narrows was taken as snow squalls and bone chilling hard winds whipped me around.  It was worth it because it was so beautiful down there.

 

So, without further ado, this is why I lost my mind this time:

                                          

                                                   Holiday follies

It happened right around the time of the art opening actually. I started doing photography developing at ABC and met one of the volunteers in the photo lab. We got on ridiculously well. He really brought out the really funny side of me. I spent more time picking on him in jest and just being hilarious that soon photography just became an excuse to hang out there.

I invited him over to my apartment for Christmas Eve and I cooked really good food and then we watched Quentin Tarantino movies all night. The next day I kicked him out because I had things to do that day. We had no sex and he slept out in my living room.

That week we had a talk and I told him that I liked him. He told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship because he was only months separated from his wife and that he wasn't over it yet.

Despite this, I invited him over for New Years Eve.
I had so many plans to hang out with my friends, yet I blew them all off to hang with the guy. It was very quiet and nice. He cooked for me and we hung out on the roof at midnight to see the fire works. In the afternoon, we went down to Coney Island and spend the day there talking on the beach. Later, I took him to my friend's home for a New Years day get together. He was very snotty in how he called my friends and the people that he invited very snotty and bourgeois. Okay, he was right but I have all kinds of friends. He stayed over all weekend until I finally sent him on his way on Sunday night. The cool thing about him being there was that he made me throw out years of clutter that I managed to accumulate over the years, mainly clothes.

I should add that he read my piece on my mental history and saw my picture before he spent Christmas with me. And I was very honest in telling him all about my insecurities and things.

That week after New years was hell. A friend of mine came into town very pregnant, with no place to stay and she is underage. She represents part of a very traumatic two years that just passed. Having her stay with me for four days and of those four days, not having any sleep any of those days, I went mental. I also was having my pms. Of all of the times for me to need rest and peace, I did not do any of those things.

I went silently nuts and tried to contain it.

She left thursday morning, Thursday night, the guy was back and I was up again.

Friday, I invited him to hang with a mutual friend and I to go see Ricanstruction. I asked him if he would've dated this woman and he said yeah. I was crushed because he made it quite clear to me that he was not interested in me and yet he spends all this time with me. I just hold it all in and I don't know what to do. We actually all go out together. I drink beer. I had to. I needed to feel better.

he comes back to my place and I finally get some sleep.

I write him an e-mail and tell him that I think that we need some space
Saturday, I leave him in my apartment to sleep and I go to house clean a friend's apartment whose father had recently passed away.
Her mother and I start drinking later in the afternoon. I am giddy and ready to deal with the Squatter archive party. I pick up the guy at NO Rio, totally trashed and when we get to NO Rio, I leap into the arms of an ex lover and kissed him.
Its all theater for the benefit of the guy who doesn't like me romantically. I don't even like my ex in that way. I'm ridiculous that night.



We all go out to dinner after the show and then the guy and I retreat to my apartment. he stays on Sunday.

I read a response to my e-mail that he sends. He says that he agrees with my needing space but he hopes that we don't lose each other in the process

Monday, I go to work and come home. I have come down with a nasty case of the flu. He's still there and he takes wonderful care of me.

Tuesday afternoon he leaves and I ask him to either call me or e-mail me.

I haven't heard from him since. No e-mail. no calls. I called twice and the first time he says he can't talk. The second time, he just doesn't answer the phone.

I am crushed. I feel like its all my fault. I am hurting so bad, I entertain hurting myself but thats just stupid but its hard to handle the hurt that I feel now.

I know, I know. Let it go. But I'm so confused, What did I do wrong. Why did I get deaded. What did I do that I deserved to be treated like this?

And on top of that, why do I miss him still? I should be like, fuck that asshole. He should be lucky that I wanted his trite ass. but I'm not, Instead I'm thinking, if I wasn't so fat, so bourgeois, such a clutterbug. he would be here right now. I really don't know what to do with myself.

Barbara January 15, 2005

 

I'm so mentally ill, its ridiculous. I hate myself. I really do