yeah, I'm getting tired of it as well but its still there

I'm going to write this every fucking day until I'm over him.  I'm sorry,  its the only way that I can make myself deal with this.    I miss Michael McGreal so much.  I got some photographs back from developing and I love the picture of him sleeping with Lucky.

Dag. why did it have to end like this?  Why do I still think we still can be together?  I do have issues.   I'm worried.

I'll just take it a day at a time.  Its all good.

Not so happy in the brilliant sunlight of morning

I miss him so much.  Despite of everything, I miss him so so much.  I could hold him and bury my nose in his smelly armpits and breathe deeply of his damn smelly ass underarms.

and run my hands through his hair even though he sometimes puts too much olive oil in it.  I love him so much. its so bad how much I miss him.  

Okay, I've been spending most of the past week and a half feeling sorry for myself and making myself miserable over this fool. I'm making an attempt to stem the self loathing and crawling to him. I still can't believe that I hit him. I feel so bad about that but the creep deserved it. I should have slugged him more. The way he cowered, I know I would've gotten away with it. Actually, that is such fucked up behavior. I never would've thought that I'd act like such a moron. I was hurt though. shit. he got to hurt me. over and over again. It just isn't fair.

Ummmmm, I punched Michael in the face yesterday. totally fucked up behavior. eek!!!!!

self respect, self esteem, loving myself. Holding myself and knowing that I'm beautiful. I don't have any of these things. Hopefully, one day, I will

Today, I have to babysit Francesca and Anna. I have no time to be moody or desolate for something that I never had.

Michael never loved me. Michael desires a young attorney. I have nothing left to offer him.
Jael is gone and I am no use to him.

I have to suck it up and stop calling him. I'm only going to put myself through unnecessary pain because he doesn't give a shit about me, He never has and never will. All the phone calls, dinners, throwing money at him and kissing his ass will not make him love me, respect me or
be my lover.

whats cool is that life goes on and I can find people who care about me once I start caring about myself
I'm three days sober and I have gone to meetings two days in a row. I think I rock!!

Errrrrrr, I was told by a dear friend that as much as I am suffering, that I am comfortable in my role as victim. and damn, she's right. Anyway, on to bigger and bolder things. I'm going to plan a trip to California and Arizona. If anybody have any advice or extra pup tents and foam mats, let me know. I'm finally going to go to the Grand Canyon and sleep by the stars. I'm really happy about it. Also, I'm going to go to San Francisco and eat on the wharf, look at sea lions and go to Los Angeles to chill with my fellow freaks on Sunset Boulevard.

This fucking sucks

very upset, full of sadness, crying, crying, all the fucking time. I hate sitting here and dwelling on how he makes me feel so bad. I wish I could just sleep it off and be okay. I'm really tired. I really am.
In other news, well, I don't know any other news. I'm going to write to Eric Drooker and see if I can stay at his place in California and see what my options are as far as seeing the sights and all of that.

The morning after

Last night, God spoke through me and I didn't whine or beg.  I simply said that I can't be hurt any longer.  I deserve better than that and that I'd rather let the man go than put up any longer with his abuse.

He showed up drunk, high and apologetic.

He said that the date was probably going to amount to nothing.  I told him that that was none of my business. The only thing that concerned me was the way he treats me.

He said he was just teasing me, that I'm too sensitive.

I didn't freak. Deansie jumped into my lap and gave me lots of kitty love. Deansie really helped me stay calm.

So, he took all of Jael's stuff and he hugs me and calls me his sister and he leaves.

For a few hours, I feel cool because I handled myself like I actually have some sense.

This morning, I wake up and the first thought is how I hurt and I don't understand why Michael hurts me.   And I think about the date and how it makes me sick knowing that he doesn't want me.

Look, I'm going to stay away, I'm going to stick to weight watchers and maybe if I handle my money properly, I'll go to California for my birthday.  Yeah, I'll check out Northern California and see some sea lions.  Why the heck not? 

So, you see, life goes on. I don't have to wallow in self pity over idiot guys.

This is the final (again) time that I get hurt by this guy.

He tells me (and you can hear the smirk in his voice) that some young attorney asked him out on a date.  He tells me while he knows my heart is breaking. 

He tells me because its so easy. I let him hurt me.  I will tolerate all kinds of bullshit just to be with him.

I have no respect for myself.  I just put Jael's things out into the hallway for him to pick up and its not because I don't want her around, its because I have no other option. I have to let go because he's going to hurt me as much as I let him and I'm going to end up feeling sorry for myself and cutting my wrist or shooting heroin or whatever bullshit means that I can use to further abuse myself.

And I was going to help Jael, instill some self respect. HAHHAHAHAHAHAH.

That girl has more sense than me.

I'm at a loss for words.  I guess I have to go to sex and love addicts anonymous finally and AA and learn to love and respect myself.  I feel like a broken record because I keep making the same mistakes.

Is it love that I want?  what kind of love?   I have to learn to love myself first.  Shit, I have no concept of what that is. That is so pitiful.

Anyway, I'm going to try to stop the self pity and try to make some use of my life.   I read some thing about spiritual growth is useless if you don't give back.

I guess thats why service is so important in AA but I want to expand on that.