Affirmations of the serious kind

I had hoped it wouldn't come to this but fuck it, you all know all my rotten parts anyway.

I have bipolar disorder. I have to be on medication to keep me relatively calm. If I don't take my medication, I fluctuate from being somewhat normal, incredibly manic, horridly anxious, viciously paranoid and dark, dark, darkly depressed.

When I was younger, I didn't know that I was mentally ill. I just knew that I hated the way I felt about myself and I was confused because I didn't understand why I couldn't function like a nice, regular person.

And yeah, unfortunately, I did try to kill myself when I was younger. Luckily, I had good friends in my life who steered me in the direction for getting help.

Its been very up and down for me, especially because I have an addiction to alcohol and when I succumb to it, it really heightens all the nasty aspects of my disease.

This is why I am no longer drinking right now. Besides the Christmas party incident, I have went through a two year period of obsessive compulsive behaviour that brought out my suicidal tendencies for the first time in years.

Unlike Hunter S. Thompson (I'm assuming this) I choose not to continue to sink in my hole. I made the decision to stop drinking and take my medicine and try to eat well and rest. All of the things I'm notorious for not doing.

I'm so much better now but I'm not healed. I have to be vigilant about keeping myself out of situations that will affect me adversely. No more drinking, no more slutting out. No more hanging out in dangerous situations just because I'm an excitement junkie. I have to go to therapy and I have to learn to love myself.

A lot of people don't know how to do these things or they lack the spirit to try to help themselves. I'm really lucky that God blessed me with such a love for life or I might have been as desolate as Dr. Thompson and would've been dead a long time ago.

I don't know what demons he had but I understand the feeling of worthlessness and self hate. He could've won the Nobel Prize and every literary award in the world but when you are in throes of depression, none of that matters. The only thing that you are aware of is the feeling of self doubt, darkness and the inability to deal with all those fucked up feelings.

Its cool that you think he's a loser, that means that hopefully you are in a place where you will never feel as fucked up as he did and won't ever do what he did.

Life is a struggle, to me thats the fun of it. I have had misery in my life and I rose above it to make jokes about it later on.

Some people are not so fortunate and I'm not going to condemn them. Instead, I try to make myself available to the people that I can reach and give them help and strength just like people did for me.

Some people die by the bottle, the needle, by working themselves to death. Who am I to judge? The only thing I can do is to take care of myself so that I don't join them.

Westminster Dog Show - Tuesday

What a day!!!  I'll explain more later.

Westminster Dog Show - Monday 2-14-05

Amazing day at the dog show.  However, I'm really tired, I'll explain more about it later.

I have no idea why I exist but hey, the music is fun

I have been a a really busy little bee.   I've been going out to museums, seeing art work,  I rehearsed tonight with Rev Billy's Choir.  I'm taking pics and learning photography.  I'm writing a little.  I'm getting pretty astounded with myself.

Spring is coming, the shoots of plants are starting to break through.  I'm very excited about it.  Life is good.

Yippee

Even though I feel my pms start to rear up, I'm feeling quite fine these days.  Yeah, sure I have bronchitis but in the scheme of things, life is pretty groovy.

I got to stay with Sascha and I had a great time doing it.  I really missed her.  I also hung out at St. Marks Church and got to see Reverend Billy and the Stop Shopping Choir.  They put on the Weed and Seed revival in support of Community gardens and in remembrance of Esperanza Garden.

Saturday, I saw the end of the Idiotarod shopping cart race.  That was fucking hysterical.  I wish I was there to see the whole thing.

Yippee, I really do have a life even though I'm in denial about it.