Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh............

I really will miss my Cajun boy, Andy, his intense eyes as he pitched.  Andy totally rules.  I can't believe he won't be a Yankee any longer.

 

In other news, I'm not the warden. I'm not, I"m not, I'm not.  I can't wait until my apartment is my own again.

sigh..............

I don't know, I'm very overwhelmed, very overwhelmed. I wouldn't mind if Jael went home and Michael stopped talking to me. Its way too dysfunctional for me. I wish I could be mellow.

Is suicide a coward's way out? Is it?

I have to get up early every damn morning now

Its a rainy, rainy day and I'm trying to adjust to having a roommate.  Jael is actually good company.  And I'm learning to clean my room.  Cool beans.   Michael is being kinda nice.

I hung out with Turner last night and I think he's adorable but I'm thinking that I really love Michael. Totally and fully.

I am insane.

LETS GO, YANKEES!!! I am sooooo happy, we defeated the horrid Red sux!!!!!

late,late at night

I used to run away a lot when I was a teen ager.  One reason was because the pain of living at home with those that hurt me was too much to deal with and the other reason was that I just loved to roam the streets at night.  

A intense conflict has brought Michael and I together but at a price.   I hope my friend with whom I share pain and dreams with will not succumb to the deadly whims that led me down painful paths.  It doesn't have to be that way for her.

Running the streets, being morose, feeling sorry for one's self.  Losing yourself in dreams and instant gratification, its not life its a delay.   I have to still remind myself of this every day of my life.

Call me insane, I don't care. I love Michael McGreal. I miss him so much. I want to marry him. I want to make a nest with him and love him and make us a nice home and laugh and be loving with him. I want us to be a family and friends. I don't know why I care for him so much but I do. Michael, I hope you open your heart to me. I just want to be loving and good to you.

Passings

Lisa and Donny were soul mates. At first, I thought Donny was a player but I don't know anything except not minding my business. You can see through their children how beautiful their relationship was. Now Donny has passed on. What will Lisa do? Its good that she has family. Oh gosh, I need to learn to love, I hope I can be some help to her.

In the midnight hour

I don't know why but its late at night.  I should be asleep but I'm listening to Roxy Music's Ladytron and I'm mesmerized. 
No, now its Neil Young, the Needle and the damage done.   I was thinking earlier about how sick I am from this head cold but I'm grooving to it because the lightheadedness makes me feel like I'm high.    Most people would worry about feeling like that. not me, I revel in it.   and I have the nerve to point fingers and say that at least I'm not like that person.  
I'm no better, I'm nothing special.   I'm just another human, whining and trying to look for an easy way out.
So, I'm going to go back to being a leftist wingnut, I'm going to write for the Shadow and convince myself that things will be better for all.   What a bunch of mularky!   
If I had it my way, I'd win the frigging Mega Millions lottery and nobody would hear from me again, except when I blow into town to show off my newly acquired finery.  How tacky you say!!!  What did you expect, that I would spend the money and buy a nice old house out in the boonies and raise a whole bunch of disadvantaged children complete with lots of pets and madcap revelry?    Actually, that does sound better than buying silly shit that I don't really want anyway.
I haven't heard from my dad's wife so I'm hoping thats a good thing.  It was really stressful to see my dad so sick and weak in the hospital.  I know people grow old and die but damn, despite of everything, he is my dad and I know thats not how he would've wanted to go out.  
Eh, but who gets the choice of how they exit this world?   I hope he dies soon, I will feel bad because it will be like another chapter closed in my life but at the same time, he'll be gone from his pain and I'll be released from mine.  

my stuffy nose

I've been sick since Saturday night.  Happy, happy joy joy.  I still haven't cleaned my bedroom and my litter box is a scandal.  I'm staying home from work today and I will clean. I'm not going to the  WW3 release party or if I am , its only for a little while.

Saturday morning musings

Good morning all,   not much to say today.  My dad is at Long Island Jewish Hospital getting a blood transfusion today.  He has cancer.  I think he's on his way to his heavenly reward.   I'm sad about it but I'm also confused.  I'm going to see him to offer my strength but I feel weird because he never apologized for molesting me when I was sixteen.  He destroyed the best friendship I have ever had with a man and all I have done was love him.  I don't mean to be selfish because the man is sick and dying but damn, all he had to do was say that he loved me and that he was sorry.   I can see that it will never happen and that I have to be the dutiful daughter and just let it go but man, I hurt.

In other news, I have no idea whats going on at East Ninth Street in the LES and maybe its just as well.   I miss that guy though but as I said before my bedroom is a mess.  I need to take care of myself before I can take care of others.  Especially others who are rejecting me anyway.

MESSAGE OF THE DAY:    LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!

Its Erev Rosh HaShanah and I'm at work. I'm hungry, I'm broke and I'm worried about my friend over on ninth street but I think things will be fine. I think I should be more concerned with the insanity of clothes that is festering on my bed and bedroom floor. I went to shul the other day and I was told that I should think about Wesley Clark and not Dr. Howard Dean. Actually, I really don't give a rat's ass about either one of them right now. I think I want to vote for Gary Coleman. Small people rule.
Okay class, today, we will look up the following (Shiraz, Iran), (Saskatoon, Canada), (Concepcion, Chile) and (Lusaka, Zambia). Please send me all information that you have found out about all those place. There will be a test at the end of October.

Thursday Morning

I feel gutless, every morning I wake up and the first thing on my mind is that damn man.  Never mind the fact that the world is totally insane and that I need to address that fact.  Never mind the fact that gangs are running rampant all over Brooklyn and that the Pakistani immigrants are being terrorized by US immigration into leaving NYC.  Never mind the fact that Rosh HaShana is nearly upon us and I feel weird being Jewish and yet despising the ugliness that is IDF.

Nooooo, my personal problems are much more important than idiots who want to stone a woman to death because she had sex two years after she divorced her husband.

October 25, be in Washington DC people.  Protest the evilness of the Bush Regime and the rest of the corrupt jerks that want to enslave us monetarily.

The doggie in the picture is the most delightful Lucky Stu!!!  Her mom was the best and she's a real sweetie as well.