In the midnight hour

I don't know why but its late at night.  I should be asleep but I'm listening to Roxy Music's Ladytron and I'm mesmerized. 
No, now its Neil Young, the Needle and the damage done.   I was thinking earlier about how sick I am from this head cold but I'm grooving to it because the lightheadedness makes me feel like I'm high.    Most people would worry about feeling like that. not me, I revel in it.   and I have the nerve to point fingers and say that at least I'm not like that person.  
I'm no better, I'm nothing special.   I'm just another human, whining and trying to look for an easy way out.
So, I'm going to go back to being a leftist wingnut, I'm going to write for the Shadow and convince myself that things will be better for all.   What a bunch of mularky!   
If I had it my way, I'd win the frigging Mega Millions lottery and nobody would hear from me again, except when I blow into town to show off my newly acquired finery.  How tacky you say!!!  What did you expect, that I would spend the money and buy a nice old house out in the boonies and raise a whole bunch of disadvantaged children complete with lots of pets and madcap revelry?    Actually, that does sound better than buying silly shit that I don't really want anyway.
I haven't heard from my dad's wife so I'm hoping thats a good thing.  It was really stressful to see my dad so sick and weak in the hospital.  I know people grow old and die but damn, despite of everything, he is my dad and I know thats not how he would've wanted to go out.  
Eh, but who gets the choice of how they exit this world?   I hope he dies soon, I will feel bad because it will be like another chapter closed in my life but at the same time, he'll be gone from his pain and I'll be released from mine.